Insatiable males are men from all walks of life. They are hard-working individuals who strive to make the American dream come true. Many of them have achieved some degree of outward success.
Whatever degree of success it has not brought them the contentment or the satisfaction they expected. They are diligent and industrious individuals who need to excel and to "prove" they can be successful. However, their results lead to frustration and stress instead of satisfaction. They feel inadequate in spite of numerous accomplishments. Many feel guilty because they have devoted so much of their life to work and neglecting family involvement.
These men want change in their lives but can't pinpoint where change has to take place. Most of them say they feel trapped or on a treadmill with no way off. For them, there's never enough time, sex, energy, accomplishments, money, or love.
Insatiable males are the result of sociological influences following World War II. In 1945, an unprecedented event began in our country called the Baby Boom. From 1945 to 1959, some 70 million children were born in the United States. A new age of prosperity and opportunity dawned after World War II, and with it the manpower to make it happen. "Beat the Russians" was the name of the game. Pregnancy became equated with patriotism and our government applauded the efforts.
From the beginning, everyone knew that these youngsters would be a special generation. These little bundles of joy were the future for America. They were to be the best and the brightest and reared in the strongest and wealthiest nation in the world.
Parents aspired for their children to be scientists, engineers, doctors, lawyers, and maybe even President! Education was aimed at producing graduates who would be advanced enough to insure our nations' status as world leaders. If ever success for an individual would be possible, it would be possible for the baby boomer.
Baby Boomers couldn't have missed the message if they tried. Society trumpeted it loud and clear: You are special. Much is expected of you. You can achieve whatever you want if you just try hard enough.
Female baby boomers also got these messages. They were encouraged to attend college to pursue careers such as nursing, teaching, and secretarial positions. A female baby boomer's clearly defined role was to support her aspiring husband and be mother to his children.
Their male counter-parts were groomed for places of leadership by parents, schools, and governments. In this process, male boomers were encouraged to do things early – walk, talk, potty-train, and read. So they not only got the message that they were special, but that they were to assume more responsibility by virtue of gender alone.
These children were not only encouraged, but were pampered and protected by well-meaning parents. Hard work and responsibility in the home were often replaced by entertainment. It became much easier, to flip on the TV, or turn on the stereo, than to spend time with children establishing goals, or communicating values. Success, then, became a means of gadgets to entertain and amuse themselves.
For Baby boomers the values of honesty, fidelity, modesty or loyalty were not emphasized for survival. These seemed to be leftover tools of an ancient America, which had viewed success in terms of personal satisfaction in life. The "new" society needed new tools to obtain success. According to this new definition, success was measured in terms of money, accomplishments, and status. These new tools took the form of improved communication skills, positive thinking, and "get-ahead" techniques. Society now dictated to us more how success looked, than how it felt. Baby boomers added "image-maintenance" to their tool set, look "good" at any cost.
The message to baby boomers, males in particular, was compete: There's plenty to be had. You can have it all if you work hard enough; and when you have it all, you will finally be satisfied and successful.
This unique mind-set began a cycle of distinct behaviors, characteristics, emotions, and escapes in million of men. I have termed these men "insatiable" because their appetites are never appeased. Their heritage has left them hungry for contentment and meaning in life. However, they will never achieve these using the tools acquired in childhood. Insatiable male characteristics have resulted in a generation of men who ultimately are disappointed with success and life.
Hyper-responsibility: All insatiable males develop a sense of hyper-responsibility. He over-steps the boundaries of normal responsibilities and takes on responsibility that belong to others. He makes people dependent on him for all the answers or to take care of them. He becomes the "rescuer" who needs to pull the wagon, while others take the ride. In the workplace, he will likely feel it's up to him to solve problems and answer everyone's questions. At home, he feels he is in charge of everyone's happiness and entertainment.
The Need to Please: The insatiable male generally likes to please people, but compromises himself to oblige others. They will often say "yes" to things they need to say "no" to. The positive feedback he receives from people-pleasing feeds the image of success he has formulated. After years of people pleasing he finds himself getting fed-up and frustrated with people. In contrast, they feel guilty because everyone cannot be pleased.
The Need to Prove Himself: Insatiable males are constantly harassed with an inner feeling of inadequacy. This feeling will often result in taking on far more than he can accomplish. He attacks every effort, whether at home, at the office, or in the health club, with a vengeance.
Insatiable males work longer and harder than anyone else. Even when he plays, he plays to win. He hopes, with every accomplishment, to reach a point of contentment. He may feel better for a short time, but soon that old nagging inadequacy cries out for a new "fix."
Dominate Emotions of the insatiable male: Through the years, the insatiable male develops an enormous amount of performance anxiety. He feels as if he's always on stage – always performing. This performance treadmill results in an undercurrent of anger and agitation. He "stuffs" it because expressing anger would be displeasing to people around him. Around mid-life it becomes too intense to be contained and it oozes out in the form of irritability. He can't express it at the office, so family members fall likely victims to his emotion.
Insatiable males experience guilt from their inability to please everyone. If he's at work, he feels guilty because he should spend more time at home. If he's at home, he feels guilty because he's neglecting his work.
As the years roll by they progressively feel a great deal of dissatisfaction with their lives. They expend a lot of energy trying to find satisfaction, but experience emptiness with their failure to do so.
Insatiable males employ several escapes to alleviate the misery they feel. These escapes fall into one of these categories:
His chosen escape will be pursued with a vengeance. However, it only serves to temporarily relieve the pain, which returns more powerfully than ever. Each escape is one more thing that he can't get enough of.
Insatiable men are a unique and fascinating breed. They are a product of a "personality culture" that demands success. They came from families who expect them to have the good life and fulfill the "all American" dream. Now that the good life is an illusion they are looking for ways to change. This desire for change provides the coach a golden opportunity.
What to do? Keep in mind insatiable characteristics will always be a part of his personality. However, he can learn to develop new patterns of behavior. Generally, for this shift to take place it takes a crisis or the desire for something better. Only then will he be open to change.
The first step in shifting insatiable characteristics is awareness of what they are and how they serve the man. I use the characteristics listed above as a starting place. The characteristics of proving self, pleasing others, and hyper-responsibility were not the result of the early learning. Since they are learned, they can be replaced with new learning.
The second step is to recognize the true internal strengths of the insatiable male. One of the difficulties here is that they have been focused on performance and have little insight into their strengths. What strengths does he possess? How can he use those strengths to create satisfaction?
These two steps create a "bench mark" for behavioral change. From here he can formulate strategies that allow for more satisfying behaviors.
Changing insatiable male characteristics can be extremely difficult. These men have invested a lot of time on performance. Change is accomplished by creating a new approach to how he handles work, home, and his personal life. Taking the steps to shift these behaviors creates personal energy and satisfaction.
